A Play About Donald Trump

5/22/2025

Warning: Extreme retardation inbound. I wrote this play when I was 14. My political beliefs have changed a lot since then.

Act 1

Scene 1: A desert path in Mexico, near the american border.

Enter Sombrero, Maraca, Burrito, and Taco.
Taco: Please make haste, lest I come to death, and embrace it!
Sombrero: Thy patience is but little, my son, and 'tis best to feed it.
Taco: If feed it thou must, then I shalt be fed as well, or I starve.
Sombrero: The fence draweth nearer, and on the side opposite to this, food there shalt be.
Taco: Whether it draweth nearer or retreateth away, I have no care, but only that I may eat.
Sombrero: Thou hast no patience, and so thou must wait, and so learn patience.
Taco: Patience I care not for, but only for victuals.
Burrito: Lo! The fence appeareth!
They climb over the fence.
Enter a border patrol officer.
Officer: What art thou doing here?
Sombrero: Mexico hath many problems, and America few, and so we crosseth the border.
Officer: Alas, thou shalt cross it not.
Sombrero: I shall.
Officer: Thou shalt not.
Taco: If thou shalt not let us cross, I shall die for want of food, and thy hands will be covered in my blood.
Officer: There shalt be victuals in the prison.
He drags them off to prison.
Exeunt.

Scene 2: A construction site on the border.

Enter Donald Trump and Workers.
Donald Trump: Thy work is going well, and when thy wall is completed, our immigration problem will disappear.
Workers: A toast to Donald Trump!
They cheer.
Donald Trump: This wall shalt be a symbol of our fortitude and strength, a message to all lesser nations that we hath conquered them. America trumps them all!
The workers laugh.
Worker 1: Ha ha, America *trumps* them all, get it? Ha ha ha ha!
Donald Trump: If by 2020, the wall stands completed, then thy wages shalt be twice - no, thrice what thou art earning in this present moment.
Worker 2: Surely, the wall shalt be built by the time that thou hast named.
Worker 3: If thou wilt triple our wages, wherefore shall our extra money come from?
Worker 2: Thou must not doubt Donald Trump. He will provide the money, as surely as he maketh America great again.
Worker 3: But surely thou must pay the debt?
Donald Trump: Wrong.
Worker 3: But you must.
Donald Trump: Wrong.
A large metal beam swings toward Donald Trump.
Worker 1: Donald duck!
Donald Trump ducks, and the beam passes over his head.
Donald Trump: Thou shalt be promoted.
Exeunt.

Scene 3: A prison.

Enter Sombrero, Maraca, Burrito, Taco, Jose, and Prison Guards.
A guard roughly throws Sombrero, Maraca, Burrito, and Taco into a cell.

Prison Guard 1: Thou hast committed a terrible crime against humanity, and so thou shalt be punished for it.
Sombrero: Surely thou art mistaken. What crime have I committed? Tell me truly, and I shall repent.
Prison Guard 1: Thou hath entered America illegally.
Sombrero: By what reason doth congress make that a crime? I thought that this country hath been a free country since it was created!
Prison Guard 1: Thou could have been in possession of unlawful substances.
Sombrero: Didst thou not look? Didst thou not even verify thy claim? Vengeance rot you all!
Prison Guard 1: Dost thou want to hear a secret?
Sombrero: Art thou trying to deceive me, or art thou telling the truth?
Prison Guard 1: Truly, it is the truth.
Sombrero: Thou hath said 'truly' - but art thou telling the truth then?
Prison Guard 1: Thou canst trust me, for I am not like that other prison guard.
Jose: Please, couldst thou obtain me a glass of water? I thirst!
Prison Guard 2: No way, Jose!
Prison Guard 1: I am not like him.
Sombrero: Thou canst tell me thy secret.
Prison Guard 1: There are many people who hath told thou that America is a free country. But they lie!
Sombrero: Surely thou liest; for do we not have the right to speak against the government? Do we not have the right to own a gun? Do we not have the freedom of religion? How, then, canst thou claim such a thing?
Prison Guard 1: Here in this country I am made poor, and it is the fault of no one except the vile government. Fie, fie, fie on them all! Woe is me, for though I work hard, my money is taken from my deserving hands, and given into the greedy mouths of lazy scum, the very bottom of society's pyramid, and women! Vengeance rot them all!
Prison Guard 2, wining: But does not everyone deserve a sum of money equal to one billion dollars?
Prison Guard 1: Fie on thee, for thou liest! Thou art not deserving of so much as a single penny, for thou hast done nothing but loiter! It fills me with awe to even comprehend the fact that thou hast not been fired!
Sombrero whispers to Maraca, and she whispers back.
Sombrero: Please, canst thou deport me? America is not worth my trouble, for no good deed is rewarded here.
Prison Guard 1: Surely, thou wilt get deported, as soon as this vile paperwork is signed.
Prison Guard 1 signs the paperwork.
Prison Guard 1: Farewell!
Sombrero: Farewell!
Prison Guard 1 deports Sombrero and his family.
Exeunt.

Scene 4: The White House.

Enter Donald Trump and Ronald Trump.
Ronald Trump: Donald, why art thou worried?
Donald Trump: Woe is me, for I am bankrupt!
Ronald Trump: Canst thou not borrow money?
Donald Trump: Everybody that I have asked to borrow money from hath refused, on account of debt being evil.
Ronald Trump: Vengeance rot them all!
Donald Trump: The wall will never be finished! Woe is me!
Exeunt.
End.